"If you’re like me, you’re into fast cars, fast women and fast acting ointments. But you’re not me, luckily I am."
"I may play a handsome man on TV, but I’m also handsome in real life."
"The world’s #1 model train model. And inventor of PORTOPONG."
"PORTOPONG keeps your beer in the cup, not on the floor."
"I’m so confident you’ll love PORTOPONG, I’ll shave off my moustache if you don’t. Psych."
"With PORTOPONG you can play anywhere, on anything. From the mountains, to the prairies, to the Jacuzzis white with foam."
"Buy a PORTOPONG in the next 10 minutes, and I’ll throw in a fresh bag of my moustache clippings."
"My moustache smells like chestnuts and cedar, now that’s the smell of success."
"PORTOPONG can turn even the worst party into something a little more titillating."
"PORTOPONG is constructed from only the finest durable vinyl drachma can buy, that’s Greek for money."
"I’m not just a player. I’m the inventor."
"Order now and I’ll throw in my signature edition mustache comb."
"Ever wonder what a two-horned unicorn might be called?"
"I’m Cutty Love, and I’m a no-nonsense type cat."
"You’ll love PORTOPONG, trust me, I’m too good looking to lie."